Lovings Lounge

I’ve recently run into a FetLifediscussion about whether porn objectifies women. Yeah, it’s an old and tired argument… But, being an avid porn fan (though mostly of amateur Internet porn on Xtube and such sites), I had to butt in.

I do agree that porn objectifies all players. That’s its function - providing a fantasy world where we can stop worrying about the other partner’s feelings and get our rocks off in any way we want. It’s exactly this freedom, with a dash of “forbidden” that makes porn hot.

What I don’t agree with is that objectification is bad in itself, as long as it’s consensual.All of us consent to be objectified at some point. When I put on the low-cut top that makes my boobs all but fall out, you bet I’m consenting to be objectified… I doubt people I encounter are thinking “look at the mind on that girl!” When we put up our sexy photos on the Internet, we’re consenting to be objectified - someone’s looking at that photo and thinking “wow! Hot body/bruises/piercings/whatever!” Flipping burgers at Mc- - is objectification as well, and for much less money. Don’t tell me the corporation wants you for your mind- it’s the oposable thumbs they need. We are objectified every morning, when we get up and go to work - we’re needed for a specific set of skills, not for our selves. Porn is a job, like any other.

The problem is not porn - it’s the lack of information about sex in our culture. I dealt with men who believed 9″ penises that stay up for hours are a norm and they’re woefully inadequate, and women who learned their oral skills from porn (shudder). By hating on porn for not being enlightened and educational, we’re doing the same thing the parents who expect the school to do their work and teach their kids all the ethical and social skills do - blaming someone else for what our lazy asses, as a society, are not willing to do ourselves.

Personally, I see any feeble motions of “objectification” or “degradation” of women in mainstream heterosexual porn as simply a sad attempt to temporarily bypass the conditioning of the many men (men are still the biggest consumers) that says “good girls don’t” - don’t do this, don’t enjoy sex, never would; so they can enjoy getting off without guilt. “See, she likes being slapped around with a cock, having her pussy spit on, and having all her holes filled at once! I don’t have to feel bad about ‘defiling her’, she’s already a whore!”.

Another part of intent, I think, is to create a fantasy woman who’s so crazy and uninhibited about being fucked, she’d do anything and love it all. After all, in most mainstream porn, women are shown having bazzilions of (fake) orgasms - why would this matter at all, if most people are not in some way invested in seeing the pleasure in their partner, even the imaginary one…

In a rather twisted way, porn being what it is says something kinda nice about men in general :-).

Is porn bad? This woman says it’s a good thing :-). In fact, there *are* some indications - this study (PDF), and several others, that the easy access to pornography lowers the incidence of rape and sexual violence towards women.

I just wish there is more *good* porn out there… of course, defined as the porn I like :-).

Woo! I’m absolutely tickled to have been accepted as a Good Vibrations Brand Ambassador (curtsey). What does it mean? I get a new, cool sex toy from the kind folks at Good Vibes every month, and all I need to do is play with it in every imaginable way, and then tell you about it. I love my life :-). (more…)

Just read an article about female genital cosmetic surgery, and I’m blowing my top off on the subject in a most un-PC way. Blast back if you wish. (more…)

Today, Craigslist announced closing of its Erotic Services section, finally bowing to the media and politician feeding frenzy related to the murder of Julissa Brisman, a sensual masseuse advertising her services in the Craigslist’s naughty neighborhood.

I say “related”, not “caused”, because the “Craigslist Killer” case was simply an excuse to raise a few network’s ratings and increase the popular appeal of a certain camera-loving Attorney General. Sex, murder and a moral crusade - oh, how we Americans love that golden (ka-ching!) combination. (more…)

The glimpses of the world of escorts, full-body masseuses, phone-sex operators and exotic dancers the “mainstream” audience sees are usually the lurid articles of betrayal, illicit lust, underage sex slaves & streetwalker busts, with a juicy pimp, politician or a celebrity thrown in for the front page billing.

So, if it’s all so horrible, why do we do it again and again? Because of the side you’d never see on 8 o’clock news.

Every once in a while, a Lovings.com advertiser we haven’t seen in years walks in. At the risk of sounding un-pc, we’re glad to see her - it’s often someone we’ve known for a long time and we like a lot :-). Today, an old friend walked in again, and made me think about all the others I’ve seen return over the years.

She’s usually in her late 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, and had not been in the adult entertainment biz since the last time we saw her. She’s usually an independent entertainer, managing her business herself. More often then you’d think, she’s someone who became an escort, dancer or sensuous masseuse later in life - after a failed marriage, sometimes after kids left for college.

She had usually left the business because of a relationship that blossomed into a serious one. As often as not, it’s someone she met through her work. Others leave to go to college full time, or start a career in fields as varied as psychotherapy, law or design.

It may be a year or ten, but we often see her come back to advertise as an escort or masseuse.

The reasons are various - often the end of relationship, or money (where else can you make $150-$400/hr without a PhD or a law degree), but also many that an average newspaper reader would not necessarily consider…

… Freedom. For those who resent being 9-5 corporate working drones, adult entertainment is a perfect calling. You set your own schedule and choose who you see.

… Excitement. The rush of meeting new people, hot sex, and never knowing what a new day will bring.

… Independence. Running your own business, including adult business, is wonderful for people who hate to depend on others for their income, be it a husband or an employer.

I was an exotic dancer and a phone sex operator myself, some time ago. And you know, sometimes I miss those times. I left dancing because I’m a geek and a tom-boy. Having to groom myself for hours every day, and worry every time I break a nail fixing the motorcycle drove me crazy. Phone sex was lots of fun, and I might take it up yet again some day, but having to be nice to people all day long eventually got to me… Well, I like being a bitch sometimes. So I started Lovings.com adult guide where I get to geek out all day long, and boss the office people all I like. (Who knows… if I had discovered domination at the time, I might have happily stayed on that end of adult entertainment business to this day :-)…)

But, if I were not in love with my current job, I’d be one of the ones that return too. I spent several years in academia, and I’ve got to tell you, stripping beats it hands down… except for the summer breaks. I found much more honesty, sweetness and intimacy in a half hour nude modeling session in a jack-shack with a complete stranger, than in university department politics, and much less exploitation in a strip club then as a part timer in a private college.

I do feel that there are much worse jobs than the adult ones. Ok, so they want me primarily for my body - what do you think McDonald’s would want me for; my ability to quote Ambrose Bierce? Nope, my oposable thumbs to flip burgers with… and I would have to wear that silly hat. Don’t even get me started on Hooters!

Yes, there’s the dark side to the adult business, and I don’t want to make light of it (’scuse me, guess I just did). There’s little regulations and protection, lots of money, and many desperate people who don’t think they have any other choice of work. Adult entertainers are often punished and rarely protected from predators and criminals - this is definitely a business in which one doesn’t feel that the policeman is one’s friend…  Unfortunately, things are going to stay that way until both the criminalization and stigmatization are dealt with.

However, as long as you feel that being an adult entertainer is your choice, you like people and feel comfortable about sex, you have friends and/or family you can be open with, and you have the good business sense needed to run your own enterprise, being in the biz is so much fun that many of us can never really leave… There is more of us who are healthy, unscarred and sane, and happy to be your sensual retreat for an hour or an evening, than you might think!

So, you got it all - the Rabbit vibe, the cuffs, the jeweled anal plug, one or two feet worshiping subs, the works. Yawn. I bet you never thought you could fuck a dragon though - well, now you can! (more…)

Calling Fleshlite a masturbation sleeve is like calling Grand Canyon a hole in the ground. According to its makers, it’s the most sold sex toy for men, ever (though now that the straight boys have discovered their bottoms, I suspect that the butt plugs & anal vibrators are catching up fast). (more…)

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Watching porn is part of my job (ahhh… I love my job). Unfortunately, so much of it is crap. Today, after my eyes glazed over during the seventh porn movie excuse of a blow job, I got the intense urge to throw popcorn and yell at the screen… but I’ll write this remedial blow job post instead. My neighbor doesn’t like to hear loud sex advice in the middle of the night (actually, she complained about screaming… but that’s another story). (more…)

What did it take to go to jail and be fined a minimum of $50,000 per day ? Show bare breasts, or write about playing with them on the Internet. Or, provide medical info for free. Where, in Iran? Nope, right here in the US - until Wednesday. (more…)

Most of us are familiar with the story of a powerful corporate lion groveling at the feet of a dominatrix-for-hire on his time off.

But, when a powerful woman wants to get some sexy, subby, tied and used “me-time”, she’s a gender traitor? (more…)