Q: I can’t cum from vaginal penetration without playing with my clit at the same time. My boyfriend and I are not very experienced, but him being inside of me feels very good – I just can’t quite “get there”. Is this normal?
A: However you get to an orgasm, it’s normal. For some, things change over time, too. I was unable to have an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone for a few years after I started having sex – not surprising, considering that I was used to masturbating by external stimulation only. Now, I can have multiple orgasms from intercourse alone, and while I can always orgasm from clitoral stimulation, it takes longer then with penetration. My first clearly G-spot orgasm happened only a few years ago. (And since I started on Kegels some 10 years back or so, things only got better :-). ) Weirdly enuf, as I get older, it seems like my preference is shifting further to penetration… my body trying to catch the last boat out of town? Heh.
According to a lot of studies, majority of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, and need some kind of clitoral stimulation. However, external clitoris is just the “tip of the iceberg”, with arms extending internally on both sides of the vagina (great writeup on clitoris at Wikipedia). This indeed makes it technically possible to have orgasms from penetration alone. While it’s true that a lot of women can’t orgasm from just penetration, some do. And some have G-spot orgasms, A-spot orgasms, clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, deep, uterine orgasms, orgasms from fantasy alone, breast or nipple play, spanking and more.
If you never have an orgasm without clitoral play, that’s perfectly fine. If, however, you want to explore other possibilities, keep at it! Try really paying attention to what’s going on inside of you. Try Kegels to develop muscle strength in that area. Explore your vagina with your fingers or various toys, and try to find a rhythm and depth that feels the best for you. Your partner can also help by “mixing things up” a bit – slow strokes, fast strokes, shallow ones and very deep ones… The typical monotonous pounding you see in the porn movies often doesn’t do the trick. One of my favorite ways to orgasm from intercourse (especially if I know that my partner is too excited to last long) is to get to the edge during the foreplay, until I’m simply desperate to feel him inside of me, and then have him enter me hard, deep and fast until we finish together. If I’m not near the orgasm, I prefer slow, irregular, teasing strokes that make me want to beg for more.
Female fun bits are complicated and still largely unexplored by science due to fear factor in (mostly male) medical community through the ages. Hey, less than 100 years ago, the Western world used to think that female need for orgasm is a serious mental illness! Let’s not now spoil our fun by saying there’s only one “true way” to have it.
Most of what gets us off happens in our brains – if that organ is sufficiently aroused, what actually gets you over the edge is wonderfully arbitrary.