Lovings Lounge

There isn’t any, if done right.

One of the things Bible writers have gotten right is to use the verb “know” for “have sex”. To love is to know. To be in love is to be in the process of learning more and more about another. To yearn for that knowledge and need to know that other person inside and out, to internalize them, until they seem to be with you always - in your every thought, your every breath. To give love fully is to open up - to let yourself be known fully, inside and out, and trust to be accepted and loved as you are. Love is a constant flow of communication.

To make love is to know another through our bodies. To want to know your lover’s scent and how it differs from one inch to another, to want to know all the textures, and tastes, and sounds, and how they change when you do this and this. To be a single entity in two (sensitive) skins, to share breath, and heartbeat, and the rhythm of the pleasure, until there’s no giver and givee any more. To learn all the things that give your lover pleasure and comfort, and to get to know them so well you can guide them in learning new things about themselves; a new pleasure, a definite boundary, a greater self-knowledge. And then to forget all that, and just play.

To make love is to let yourself be as a child with another - curious, trusting, playful, imaginative, vulnerable, laughing, with no judgments, open, caught up in Now and with no immediate thoughts of future or any other goals but play - loving - itself.

To fuck well is to be able to make love. With, not to, your partner, whoever s/he is - a long time mate, a fuck buddy, a sex worker or her/his customer, a complete stranger.

That “fucking” that people who don’t like to say they’re fucking are thinking of is simply a physical rubbing of surfaces. It’s a minor fraction of what fucking is. It’s what’s left over when all the openness, communication, joy, learning and most of the pleasure is extracted from a glorious, giggly, all-consuming, mind-blowing Fucking.

When I meet a person who can’t say “I want to fuck you” even while, well, fucking, it often turns out that they’re too walled in - too scared - to actually make love… while doggedly calling that mechanical left-over “making love”. Some of them are sweet, good people too, and I’m sad for them. We’re here, behind the walls you built around yourself. Giggling. Playing. Loving. Talking. Sharing. Experiencing mystical ecstasies and purest pleasure, and exactly the kind of holy (and fun!) union you’re searching for - for an hour or a lifetime, whichever suits us the best.

All you need to do is learn to say “I want to fuck you” and mean “I want to know you”.