Q: I slept with a guy after the second date. It was a completely impulsive act and I’m not sure how to feel about it. My friends agree that it was way too fast. You can’t just jump into bed with a guy right away and expect him to respect you in the morning. At the moment I’m completely confused what to do about it. Should I tell him I was just carried away and that I’d like to try taking it slow, or should I just see how things go from here? I’m not even sure where I want it to go.
A: If sex is something that you trade in exchange for other goodies (respect, good behavior, long term relationship, ring), you’re putting a price on it – no different from any other sex worker… no disrespect for sex workers meant here :-).
I presume that you slept with him because he was cute, sexy, you were horny (don’t cringe at that word) and you liked him. I presume that sex was good, or you likely wouldn’t worry about continued relationship :-). You both enjoyed, you both got what you wanted, you both made a connection that may grow. So, what’s wrong with that?
Sex with another person involves both of you – if you yourself are uncomfortable with what you’re doing, don’t do it; second date or second month of dating. But, please own it. If you take full responsibility for your sexual decisions, it’s less likely that you’ll be sorry afterward. You wanted him. You had him. That’s what really happened, and it doesn’t make you anything but a woman with normal sexual appetites. (Now, if he were an ax murderer escaped from an institution, I *would* question my choices… but that qualifies for a tenth date or the ride home from the first date restaurant too.)
All of my long term relationships (including an 11 year long marriage, and the last love 5years & going strong), as well as several that morphed from sex to long term friendships started out as a first or second date sex with someone I liked and had hots on.
That said, I never wanted any sex or relationships to “go” any particular way. Things just developed naturally, and for some reason often into deep, close connections. Maybe it’s the lack of expectations (trading, by another name) aside from a joyful romp that made for the lack of drama and let the things develop into something more.
Don’t ascribe your own and the values of your friends to everyone else… I have never, ever slept with a man who thought less of me because I had sex with him on the first or second date. Frankly, if someone did, they would definitely not qualify for relationship material…